blog spot

reboot in progress

website under construction

*taps mic*

is this thing on?

hey. hi. hello.

it’s been… forever and a day since my last blog post. i was sick. and tired. and then sick and tired. LOL.

while i always think and dream in blog posts – and have plenty of ideas churning..my brain is as congested as my sinuses are right now.

(sorry. tmi?)

when i attended the AMAZING Side Hustle Week, i came away inspired – but at the same time overwhelmed. the things i want to do, the things i need to do. the things i don’t have money for.

can’t i just focus on writing and someone else does the “business” promotional side? *opens fiverr app*

am i doing too much? it seems as one thing grows…another shrinks. what do i say no to? the things that make me happy? the things that make me money? the things that make me better?

i’m conflicted.

i expected to come back with a vengeance in october. *looks at calendar*. oops.

but even though this weighs on me…i’m actually happy. im dating. im building other things from scratch. im pushing myself out of my comfort zone. i also officially did the migration from hosting with wordpress to self-hosting with go daddy. i still don’t really know what that means and need some help figuring it all out.

but soon come. lots on the horizon. me first or else there is no blog.

see you soon!

[amy]

what’s your word? how have you been? how do you deal with being overwhelmed?

love, sex and in between

making the case for Tinder

tinder

after a hiatus…i’ve decided to start online dating again.

sigh.

i do this at probably the worst possible time (sept is the new january, and is officially my busiest month professionally and personally). i do this seemingly forgetting why i deleted the apps and profiles many moons ago. i do this with a charlotte from sex and this city romantic optimism that puzzles me. i do it after reading the rosie project. (book review soon come). i do it in anticipation of an upcoming blog series. (stay tuned).

for today, i’m going to focus on one of the apps on my phone to meet people: the infamous tinder.

i was first introduced to it by a savvy girlfriend in its early days. what i liked about it was the idea that you aren’t able to communicate with people unless there is a mutual attraction. and the fact that you can creep a profile in peace. i learned tried to be more patient and swipe left (reject) slower, as once you’ve swiped left..he’s gone forever.

Tinder-Match

in those days? – it wasn’t what it is now. it is commonly now known as the hookup app. there are numerous tales, twitter accounts to tell you the bad and the ugly. but as a single mom, who doesn’t live in the downtown core, or work in an industry where i’ll be able to meet heterosexual men – the options for meeting members of the opposite sex are limited. plus.. i can curl up on the couch in pj’s and try to increase my chances of getting chose?

win.

but in the months (year?) since i first downloaded the app, the game done changed. they found a way to monetize it (pay for the ability to un-reject someone) and more importantly – the unmatching. what may have me swiping left to the whole profile and app.

UGH
UGH

now people who match have the ability to un-match for no or specific reasons (like harassment and fraud). but in a world where people might swipe right (or like) a profile with wild abandon trying to play the numbers, it means that the potential matching doesn’t mean as much. maybe it never did. unlike other dating sites where people have more of a profile/resume, maybe an app based on the superficial was never going to be a place to find a person of substance.

hmm…

i say this having had several matches, fallen asleep to the sound of crickets (literally no communication, not even a hi), and when i decide to take the first “shot” so to speak? i come back to the whole profile being ghost.

wait. what?

now i’m being rejected for saying hi?

but..

sigh. it’s stuff like that why many women won’t approach men in the 3d – but now we gotta thicken our skins and toughen up in these e-streets? after we both decided that our profiles and pictures were cute?

i’m terribly confused. (and slightly annoyed).

in the end, what tinder is good for is alleviating boredom, practicing the lost art of communicating (ok..flirting) with the opposite sex, laughing at the ridiculous profiles, wondering if the obvious girlfriends and brides in the profile pics know their men are trolling apps for hookups, and learning not to put all your eggs in one tinder-toned basket.

i don’t know how long i’ll last with the app (i have made a promise to my girlfriend to last until at least canadian thanksgiving).

but in the meantime, i’ll swipe with hope – the rarest quality of all.

[amy]

what’s your word? have you ever joined tinder? do you see it solely as a hookup app? have you had success or horror stories from it? share in the comments!

roving reporter

[event report] side hustle week


so between attending Blogging While Brown, BlogHer and assorted webinars and various other moves – it’s safe to say that one of my goals for this year is to monetize my writing. i’ve already written about how i’ve changed gears in where i see my future going. i went from knowing and being an event planner, to wanting to pursue writing.


so when Secrets of a Side Hustler decided to have an entire week of local and online events – i knew that i needed to attend. SoaSH is a business and community whose objective is to empower and support those who are working full-time while trying to develop their side hustle. this is done via weekly Twitter chats, mentorship and networking events.


 sunday was the official kick off event, held in a cool new downtown venue. the hook to this event? each guest was to bring a book that inspires them to add to the book swap pool. so let’s recap: a chance to support an awesome and growing community/business, a new event space and a book? of course!

what i loved was the opportunity to catch up with old friends, chat with people from various walks of life and make new friends and connections as well. there was a gentleman who will take care of the accounting while you take care of building, someone who has a marketing and branding company, a couple of authors, event planners and so many from different walks of life!

for me – i sometime feel like I’m behind and going backwards in regards to actually turning writing into a business. so it was nice to chat with people who managed to turn their side hustle into a full-time thing. and while my leaps and risks have to be measured and small for now as to not negatively impact my son – i feel they will pay off in the end.

tonight the learning and side hustle continues – and im excited to learn more and grow.

Some tickets for some events are still available,  visit here for more details.

[amy]

What’s your word? Do you have a side hustle? Are side hustles only for people unhappy with their full-time jobs? Do you think it’ll become something full time? What’s stopping you? Hustle over to the comments! 

the matrix

top 8 QTNA about the woman who was catfished sex

time for questions

you ever come across (or in this case, have dropped in an email thread sans comment) a report that makes you wonder if God has us all on an extended viewing of Candid Camera? even trying to come up with a simple blog post title had me troubled.

the short version of the story is this: woman meets someone on Facebook. they interact and woman starts to catch feelings. they agree to meet up at a hotel and plan to have sex, but woman is told that due to surgery scars, she will have to be blindfolded. she agreed. this happened MORE THAN ONCE before she felt something was wrong – took off the blindfold and…

it was her female best friend!!!

(i’ll wait for you to recover from that one).

ezgif-save.0

so.. because it’s friday and i’m still terribly perplexed, here are my top 8 questions that need answers about this case.

8. with Facebook making perfectly legit accounts be verified or shutdown, how does one exactly get away with doing this there? i know they haven’t gotten to everyone, and i guess if she used a real fake name and fake pictures – there’s nothing to suspect that the gender of the person behind the account isn’t what it seems.

7. i’m all for a good romantic story. i’ve fallen for words and let my heart led me outside of my country – but, like i ask every single time MTV’s Catfish comes across my Twitter feed – in the year two thousand and fifteen, how is it possible to have NEVER visually seen. HOW?

6. they did have phone conversations it seems, and the victim heard a high-pitched voice. that alone didn’t set off alarm bells?

pause: humans have their own animal/natural instincts. how we get ourselves into trouble is by ignoring the yellow flags. i know there were probably plenty before it even got to the meet in person point, but loneliness and the ache for a fairy-tale ending makes many people do silly things.

Glee Confused Gif

5. as a woman, in what universe is it a smart thing to do to meet a stranger in a hotel and agree to being blindfolded? i’m not one for victim blaming…but there’s a fine line between it and personal responsibility. i’m all for some 50 shades of grey…but most definitely after seeing that person. you’ve been chatting and interacting… isn’t the first thing you want to do

a) confirm they are someone you would still be physically attracted to

b) at the very least give them a hug for all the pain and suffering they had gone through?

4. foreplay. while not a requirement for some – is generally pretty common. my brain can’t compute the lack of it. like you just want from 0-60 with no pre-game warm up? WITH A STRANGER? after you’ve been with someone a while (and you are pressed for time) – you may not have the time or need for that. but in having sex and getting to know if your melodies will harmonize…i..just..

blindfoldwoman

3. the senses. any sexual experience is about the taste, touch, smell, sight and hearing of the person. all of those are engaged as you explore another person. when you choose to eliminate one (or more), the other senses usually heighten to compensate.

without getting too…x-rated (too late?) – the touch of um..plastic isn’t the same as flesh. nor the smell. nor the ta– you get the point.

2. not 1, not 2, not 3, not 4 but FIVE TIMES.

gif-willsmithconf

per the court report:

When I was having sex I grabbed for the back of his head and my hand got caught on something. It did not feel right. I was sat on the bed, he was standing up.

Something in my mind said ‘pull it (the blindfold) off, pull it off’. I just pulled it off. Gayle was just standing there… I just couldn’t believe it, I couldn’t believe it.

Straight away she held her hand down over her face and said ‘it’s not what you think’

1. so if it’s not what she thinks.. WHAT IS IT? like… what it SEEMS like is you duped your BFF into having sex. you did this when there’s a whole community of women who be more than happy to be the recipient of same-gender sex.

i’m sure if i thought about it some more – i would come up with more questions. but i’m already confused enough.

in the end, i feel bad for the woman. while yes, this is something she brought on herself – i can’t imagine what this will do to her emotionally and mentally for years to come.

[amy]

what’s your word? are you just as confused as i am?

cross-examination

the blame game: thoughts on women raising boys to men

[i hate that people think that fatherlessness=gay. ugh.]

confession: i fall for the click bait. every time. as i grow as a writer, i’ll probably learn the ways of getting people all riled up based on a blog post title, getting them to read out of anger (or another emotion) and share the post (and outrage).

in this particular case, i didn’t read the article in question – but it was my play cousin (and fellow Blavity fam member) who alerted me to the post and later in a series of tweets dismantled everything about the author’s argument.

the basis from what i can gather (and i say this while openly admitting that i didn’t read the whole thing), the author wonders if not being raised in a 2-parent home has ruined him in some way. that by being taught to have manners, be clean etc.. that he’s been feminized. that despite his father not being a good person or parent – he wonders if he wouldn’t have been better off. 

woosah.

i admit (this post is all about confessions it seems) that his post cuts a little quick to me. i take it personally for several reasons.

while 2 people are responsible for creating life, no one bears the brunt of all responsibility the way a mother does. kid shoots up the school – and how his mother raised him is immediately called into question. if he has 2 parents, maybe they question them both. but God forbid, she’s a single mother (by choice or otherwise) and every possible decision she made while raising another human being is put on trial.

i’m so sick of it.

to a certain extent – i get it. we as parents, are charged with the most heaviest of tasks on the planet. everything that we do (or don’t) can/does play a role in how someone develops. i look at my son, and i see some of my mannerisms already. he’s already fiercely independent for an almost 3-year-old. not a day goes by that i wonder if im doing ok by him. if i should choose a different career. if i should find any dude to settle down with to give him the male interaction and role modelling he needs. if, if, if…

most human beings, by study of them, are products of their environments. grow up in a loving home with great family – you have a better chance of being a well-adjusted human. grow up in a place like this gentleman as featured on Humans of New York (trigger warning) and well.. life can take a turn.

 

Humans of New York Facebook

and while no one would fault the anyone who has suffered like the aforementioned dude has for being a no-good-terrible human being, the best thing any parent gives their children is the ability to learn how to choose.

you at a certain time, stop being raised by your parents, and are just (hopefully) supported by them. they gave you roots. they prepped your wings – and God willing – you fly. you pick your style. your friends. your major. your sexuality. your furniture. your cellphone provider. the direction that you want to see your life go in. you get to abandon your past and re-invent yourself or you get to take it along with you on your journey through life.

so maybe that’s why i took this article personally. aside from the fact that he quoted a fictional letter. aside from the fact that it apparently didn’t occur to him to think about his life in this way until a friend mentioned it. aside from the fact that NO WOMAN LIKES A DIRTY MAN and being clean isn’t a feminine trait.

i took offence because from the time he was a seed his his mother’s uterus, she worried about and loved him like no other. she (likely) put herself last to make sure he had everything he could possible need (and most of the things that he wanted). she made sure he had a roof over his head, food in his belly and clothes on his back. she also wanted to make sure that after he’s flown the coop – he can be a self-sufficient human being. one that wasn’t raised by wolves.

and apparently to him, this is something to sneeze at. or at best – ponder in a post that’s gone viral around the globe. i wonder what his mom thinks of his deep thoughts put on the internet.

as a mom, that hurts my feelings like it was my son writing about me. i’ve been accused of ruining my son’s life for not bringing him into the world with a husband to help raise him. i constantly worry about having the right touch of being loving and affectionate and raising a mama’s boy.

as a blogger myself, i have to temper being open and relatable enough for my readers to follow and interact but balance it out with the short term vs long term consequences.

i wish for the author to have thought about that before he decided to continue the blame game that moms constantly get.

some could only be so lucky to have one.

[amy]

what’s your word? what’s your thought about the post? do you think that parents are to blame for how adults turn out? are we forever products of our environments? 

 

 

 

love, sex and in between, the matrix

we can't be friends

  
i was recently thinking about that age old question: can men and women REALLY just be friends?

like REALLY REALLY?

i have my own personal evidence to both support and….not support(?) the argument.

i have an awesome guy friend that i’ve known since elementary school. we’ve maintained a lovely friendship and have seen each other celebrate awesome milestones like getting married, having kiddies and the like. i have another guy friend that i’ve known since the days of BlackPlanet and is literally one of my favorite people in the world. we don’t talk or communicate much – but when we do, it’s always love. i also co-run a blog with an awesome dude who makes me laugh and challenges me to be a better writer.

on the other hand, i have males in my life with whom the lines have been blurred. that strictly platonic line that probably one should probably never cross. these aren’t men on a roster (like men like to think that women have/keep/curate. more on this later) – they are people i came to know via mutual interests, who i’ve come to know and respect, who can hold and maintain a conversation. they are people i would date if the circumstances were right (aka they wanted to date me).

  
so what’s the right answer? i think at this point in my life – it’s a little of column a and a little bit of column b. if i’ve learned anything about the opposite sex in my years of being – is that there is no black and white, only various shades of grey.

there seems to be a belief from the men that women have a list (long or short depending on what she looks like) of men, waiting, scheming plotting in the wings and shadows. Just waiting for the right opportunity to shoot their shot with her. 

as a her? no there aint. this isn’t me being naive or seeking ego boosts, but it just isn’t the case. if there are dudes in my life that want to date me – since they haven’t let me know…i assume they don’t want to. presuming otherwise is bad business. 

in the end – there are no right or wrong answers. it used to be that the best foundation for a lifelong relationship was a friendship. 

but no one wants to be friends anymore. 

maybe we should try it out again sometimes. 

[amy]

What’s your word? I’m sure I’ve written about this already – but I was having writers block. Do you believe men and women can just be friends? Does it matter? Were you friends with your current partner before a relationship? It’s a long weekend – you ain’t working anyways! Lol

love, sex and in between

shoot your shot – the real reasons why women don't approach men

Shoot Your Shot Carleton Fresh Prince of Bel Air Basketball
Shoot. Your. Shot.

on any given day on the twitters, you’ll see this basketball (or i guess hockey and soccer) reference. encouraging people to shoot their shot. this is not people being cheerleaders, but is an encouragement to pursue the man/woman they are crushing on or find attractive.

the theory is trying to follow that old adage: you miss 100% of the shots you don’t take. that you can’t get the job, if you don’t apply. etc… usually the people giving this advice are the fellas, who have thrown up half-court shots their entire lives. they have perfected the lead-in, have it down to a science in figuring out the odds and all the other parameters for a successful shot.

women, on the other hand are terrible “shooters”. there are several reasons for this.

as i mentioned earlier, men have been working on their shot their entire lives. they are usually encouraged to do so from an early age (“sowing wild oats”). manhood is inextricably linked to how many women they successfully approach, so they play the numbers game to their advantage. the more you approach, the more likely for an actual yes. after all, all you need is 1 yes (we won’t mention those that want more than 1).

i laughed out loud
i laughed out loud

women on the other hand are socialized to sit and wait. we wait to be asked out. to be asked to go to the prom. to get married. assertive or aggressive women are frowned upon and usually labelled with the fast/easy brush. all the cases of women proposing to men are usually (and equally from both sexes) clowned. it is seen as the emasculation of men and taking gender roles and flipping them on their head. feminism is blamed for everything that is wrong with men-women relations.

put it this way – a person that wants to pursue acting or singing as a career, spends it going to auditions. they hone their craft and try to figure out ways to maximize their chances for a yes – but they also have figured out how to emotionally and mentally get past the rejections. you can’t wallow in the one that got away  – you’ll miss out on your future potential blessings.

this is not to say rejections from women don’t hurt men’s feelings – some of them might depending on the emotional attachment of course, but they’ve learned not to get embarrassed if that shot is an airball.

us on the other hand? we are chickens because we don’t have the practice. we also are very good at creating scenarios in our heads for why we should a) not approach in the first place or b) why he’s going to reject us (before it even happens) or c) did reject us (if we YOLO’d).

for me, if i see a dude that i find attractive, the last thing i’m doing is flirting with him (this is in real life, im a lot bolder in written form cuz.. #writer). why? because i assume that if i find him attractive – he’s already attached. so why bother right? (never mind that he could be single and i should probably find out.). i never said it was logical ok? #dontjudgeme.

the handful of times (and literally it’s been a handful) that i’ve approached a guy in real life (we’ll get to online dating in a second) – it didn’t end well. by end well, meaning me with his number, him with mine and a happily ever first date. what i’ve learned over the years by being a people watcher, is that it really is an animal kingdom out there. i believe that men can smell the aijustwannagetmarried on a woman. they can also smell the confidence level.

but what they can’t do is detect hints. women usually go the route of dropping what we believe to be are forthcoming in-their-face hints about our interest. we’ll find a way to be in your space, we’ll attempt to find a way to incorporate touch, we’ll have friendly-flirty banter but rarely overt and inappropriate (for we don’t want to be put into the ‘sex-only box that we can’t get out of.) that’s how women tend to shoot their shots.

throw the box

and it fails 9/10. lol. we just aren’t communicating in the way that men receive messages. think of all the mens mags – there’s nothing covert or subtle about it. all marketing for mens products is clear, concise and in-your-face. and it works.

like most, i will take more chances online. but ironically – i still end up with the same results. i found that most of the men i approached on a site like plenty of fish – rarely, if ever, got any replies. that was one of the reasons why i liked tinder when it first came out. you couldn’t communicate unless it was a mutual attraction. so no worrying if he came to your profile and read your message and thought you were fat or ugly – at the very least, the person who was aesthetically pleasing to you, this was also the case in reverse.

in the end – what’s a girl to do? we, as women aren’t going to change our style of play overnight. and frankly without seeing that it would be well-received, there’s no incentive to doing so either.

but like the old sayings at the top of this post said – you DO miss 100% of the shots you don’t take. so what if you shoot and miss? all you need is one.

[amy]

what’s your word? ladies – do you approach the fellas? what’s your usual style? has it worked for you? fellas – do you like when women approach you? how do you turn her down? how do you handle rejection? sound off in the comments!